Moms of differently abled kids need to have a life of their own
A close friend has a down syndrome child. Unlike most Indian families where the husband is the bread-winner, in this case she had a better paying job. Since she was the mother, all eyes were on her. Her family strongly believed that she should give up her career and spend all her time with her son. However, she decided not to give up her job at the cost of facing flak from every single member of her family. She was criticised and was told that had she spent more time with her son he would have been better off.
I remember her telling me once, teary-eyed, "If I don't pursue my career how will I fund the expensive therapies that my son has to go through everyday." Its over a decade since she shared this with me and my friend has gone places in her job. Her son is doing well within his limitations and has most importantly learnt to live independently. He isn't overtly dependent on his mother. Relatives continue to give free advice on how important it is for her to spend more time with her son and her battle continues.
When I got to know that my son, Anshul, was differently-abled, the immediate thought that also struck me was to quit my job. However, Anshul's then special educator, had just one sentence to tell me when I shared my intent to quit. "You will go crazy if you quit. You need to have some time to yourself in order stay sane," he told me. When I came out of that meeting I was quite sure that I will not quit my job. My husband also was in agreement with the special educator and believed that quitting my job was not an option.
An average day during the early years involved hopping from one therapy to another. While I considered myself fortunate that Anshul was better off than most other kids who had severe disabilities, interacting with therapists day in and out and talking about disabilities used to get on to me. I often felt I was getting obsessed about Anshul as all that I did was watch his movements. I realised I needed some "me time" and Anshul needed some time for himself too. I was under no circumstances giving up my job.
I started working out of home, as I couldn't afford not taking him for his therapies. So, instead of getting into office to write my stories, I did the writing at home. I would only step out for my meetings. Each time I had to go out to report for a story, that became my "me time" and I loved it. Balancing time wasn't easy and I would end up working through the night to meet deadlines, but it was fun.
So, how did my pursuing a career help Anshul? It has surely helped him to become more independent. Since, I have always worked, dropping and picking him up from school wasn't an option, he got used to travelling by the school bus like any other child. He even goes for school-trips outside of Mumbai. He most often co-ordinates with his tuition teachers about class timings. He has also started going on his own for his squash class. These may be trivial acts for kids who don't have any disabilities, but it's an achievement for Anshul. And, I don't think he would have been able to do all of this had I been policing him 24/7.
I have learnt to multi-task. I go to work as well as attend to Anshul whenever he needs me. I have also been lucky to get the most understanding bosses who have always allowed me to work from home or where ever I am comfortable. Today, I even travel outside of Mumbai on assignments and Anshul manages quite well. I even go for short vacations on my own!
I come across many mothers of kids with special needs who are now certified counsellors or special educators. All of them are doing a commendable job of not just helping their own kids but others too. I have utmost respect for them, but I also tell them how important it is to look beyond the 'special' world. Doing something we are passionate about (it could be pursuing an art form, music or even adventure. In my case it's is travelling and meeting people), enables to unwind and get back to our kids more rejuvenated.
I spoke to a parent of a differently abled child yesterday who told me that instead of self-pity we should consider our situation to be an opportunity to improve the lives of multitudes of differently abled people. I can't agree more, but to do all of this I need my me-time too. Only then can I give my best. To cut a long story short, I urge moms of kids with special needs to compulsorily take some time out for themselves. If they can pursue a career or a passion there can be nothing better! Enjoy your life of being a mother of a child with special needs. It's a fabulous journey!
Ajita Shashidhar
I remember her telling me once, teary-eyed, "If I don't pursue my career how will I fund the expensive therapies that my son has to go through everyday." Its over a decade since she shared this with me and my friend has gone places in her job. Her son is doing well within his limitations and has most importantly learnt to live independently. He isn't overtly dependent on his mother. Relatives continue to give free advice on how important it is for her to spend more time with her son and her battle continues.
When I got to know that my son, Anshul, was differently-abled, the immediate thought that also struck me was to quit my job. However, Anshul's then special educator, had just one sentence to tell me when I shared my intent to quit. "You will go crazy if you quit. You need to have some time to yourself in order stay sane," he told me. When I came out of that meeting I was quite sure that I will not quit my job. My husband also was in agreement with the special educator and believed that quitting my job was not an option.
An average day during the early years involved hopping from one therapy to another. While I considered myself fortunate that Anshul was better off than most other kids who had severe disabilities, interacting with therapists day in and out and talking about disabilities used to get on to me. I often felt I was getting obsessed about Anshul as all that I did was watch his movements. I realised I needed some "me time" and Anshul needed some time for himself too. I was under no circumstances giving up my job.
I started working out of home, as I couldn't afford not taking him for his therapies. So, instead of getting into office to write my stories, I did the writing at home. I would only step out for my meetings. Each time I had to go out to report for a story, that became my "me time" and I loved it. Balancing time wasn't easy and I would end up working through the night to meet deadlines, but it was fun.
So, how did my pursuing a career help Anshul? It has surely helped him to become more independent. Since, I have always worked, dropping and picking him up from school wasn't an option, he got used to travelling by the school bus like any other child. He even goes for school-trips outside of Mumbai. He most often co-ordinates with his tuition teachers about class timings. He has also started going on his own for his squash class. These may be trivial acts for kids who don't have any disabilities, but it's an achievement for Anshul. And, I don't think he would have been able to do all of this had I been policing him 24/7.
I have learnt to multi-task. I go to work as well as attend to Anshul whenever he needs me. I have also been lucky to get the most understanding bosses who have always allowed me to work from home or where ever I am comfortable. Today, I even travel outside of Mumbai on assignments and Anshul manages quite well. I even go for short vacations on my own!
I come across many mothers of kids with special needs who are now certified counsellors or special educators. All of them are doing a commendable job of not just helping their own kids but others too. I have utmost respect for them, but I also tell them how important it is to look beyond the 'special' world. Doing something we are passionate about (it could be pursuing an art form, music or even adventure. In my case it's is travelling and meeting people), enables to unwind and get back to our kids more rejuvenated.
I spoke to a parent of a differently abled child yesterday who told me that instead of self-pity we should consider our situation to be an opportunity to improve the lives of multitudes of differently abled people. I can't agree more, but to do all of this I need my me-time too. Only then can I give my best. To cut a long story short, I urge moms of kids with special needs to compulsorily take some time out for themselves. If they can pursue a career or a passion there can be nothing better! Enjoy your life of being a mother of a child with special needs. It's a fabulous journey!
Ajita Shashidhar
True. Pursuing your job or hobby pr any interest is good for both mother and child.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate the kind of versatile approach mothers take up while raising a differently abled child. Hats off to them. However amongst all this keeping your own space is a challenge . Your input is appreciated.
ReplyDeleteYes, you definitely need your me-time! Ajita. And you have done a great job of both work and home!
ReplyDeleteIn the same boat , forget about well meaning friends and relatives. The doctors and therapist look at me with accusation and judgment on you do not give him enough time.
ReplyDelete