My Son Is The Smartest!
My Son Is The Smartest!
Last week, Milan, father of eight-year-old Rohan, called me to talk about Rohan. He told me that Rohan was in the autistic spectrum, which the family has recently discovered. Though he went to a regular school, the teachers often pushed him to the corner as he was a non-performer academically and often disturbed the class by blabbering irrelevant things during the class. Rohan doesn't have a peer group as his peers don't relate to him. Milan was obviously disturbed and honestly, whatever he told me didn't come as a surprise to me. I have gone through all that with Anshul. However, what I did find disturbing was that his frustration over Rohan's shortcomings and constant complaints from school often got vented out in form of anger towards his son. "My son is scared of me, my family is under lot of stress and we have no social life as we can't go out with Rohan anywhere. We never know when he will embarrass us," Milan told me in utter despair.
I didn't want to give Milan sermons, as I am not a specialist on autism. All that I told him was that if he passes on so much negativity to his son, he is bound to react in a certain way. I told him that he and his wife have to make their son feel that he is the best. This is something that I learnt quite early in my journey with Anshul. I always told myself that Anshul may have challenges, but he will certainly overcome them. To overcome challenges, I obviously needed support from his school, where he spent maximum amount of time apart from home. So, my approach was one of collaboration. Each time I got a call that Anshul had disturbed the class or was blabbering, instead of being angry with the school for not handling it well, I have always asked his teachers for more help to make things better. "I need your help, let's work out ways of ensuring that Anshul doesn't disturb the class and his classmates begin to relate to him," is what I have always told his teachers. It has always worked. I have always been careful not to complain or blame them. Anshul's teachers at Billabong High International School (Santacruz) have always helped me immensely.
Back home, me and my husband, along with my friend, Payal (who is a trained special educator), talk to Anshul and tell him about the set of behaviours which are not accepted in school and in class. We reiterate it to him every now and then. I have noticed that each time we have prepared Anshul for a particular situation, he handles it better. Being firm helps, if a consequence of a particular behaviour is properly explained to him, he refrains from indulging in it.
For all those who think that kids in the spectrum are insensitive and don't understand are completely wrong. They want to be accepted just like any other child and if things are put to them in a proper way they understand everything. The moment we begin to look at them through the lens of sympathy and helplessness things go horribly wrong. Anshul, for instance, doesn't like too much attention. He realises that he gets that additional attention only because he is different and that is not acceptable to him. I took him to a friend's house last evening and he was looking forward to playing with his son (I must mention that there very few kids who relate to Anshul and are willing to accept him the way he is). Anshul made it very clear to me that I shouldn't come to check on him again and again and treat me like a kid. I followed his instructions, I was vigilant but not intrusive. It worked. He had a blast with my friend's son, Ishaan. They played on the PS4, went to play in the club and much more.
I have learnt it the hard way not to be overtly protective about him. Each time we would go out for dinner or to the mall, I would be on the edge. I would follow Anshul wherever he went and he would either say something inappropriate to the salesperson at the mall or meddle with something. I used to often find myself saying sorry to strangers. I always assumed that Anshul wouldn't be able to select clothes for himself or buy his own shoes. When I shared this with senior special educator, Medha Lotlikar, she first asked me if I follow my older son at a mall or in a restaurant. More importantly, if I would like it if my husband interfered in whatever I did. When I told her that I would hate it, all that she told me was, "Put yourself in Anshul's shoes and think how he would feel." I now take Anshul to the mall and allow him to browse and buy whatever he wants. He has an impeccably good taste! Today, we will be be going to a mall yet again, this time to buy shoes. I am curious to see what he buys!
In the last few months we have started allowing Anshul to walk to his squash class all by himself. The only instruction given to him is not to talk to strangers and text us after he reaches the club and text us at the time of leaving. Of course, we are apprehensive, but we needed to do this to make him self-sufficient.
Anshul goes for all field trips at school and even on trips outside the city. He shares the room with his classmates. His friends, Yuvraj, Ethen and Jai have always made sure that Anshul stays with them. A heartfelt thank you to the boys.
Life of being a parent of an autistic child isn't easy. But believing that everything will be fine and striding ahead with that conviction always makes life easier.
The response to my first blog has been overwhelming. Nelke van Aspert wrote me to all the way from South Africa after reading my first blog. Nelke is the mother of a 19-year-old autistic boy, and she tells me that nobody ever expected her son to pass Grade X. The boy has surprised everyone by averaging 70%. "Everything is possible. Just believe in it. The autism diagnosis should only be an acknowledgement, not placing a person in a stereotype box."
Keep believing that your child is the smartest and stride ahead!
Ajita Shashidhar
Deputy Editor
Business Today
Email: ajita.shashidhar@intoday.com
Gmail: ajitas02@gmail.com
Twitter: @AjitaShashidhar
Hand phone - 9820201171
Last week, Milan, father of eight-year-old Rohan, called me to talk about Rohan. He told me that Rohan was in the autistic spectrum, which the family has recently discovered. Though he went to a regular school, the teachers often pushed him to the corner as he was a non-performer academically and often disturbed the class by blabbering irrelevant things during the class. Rohan doesn't have a peer group as his peers don't relate to him. Milan was obviously disturbed and honestly, whatever he told me didn't come as a surprise to me. I have gone through all that with Anshul. However, what I did find disturbing was that his frustration over Rohan's shortcomings and constant complaints from school often got vented out in form of anger towards his son. "My son is scared of me, my family is under lot of stress and we have no social life as we can't go out with Rohan anywhere. We never know when he will embarrass us," Milan told me in utter despair.
I didn't want to give Milan sermons, as I am not a specialist on autism. All that I told him was that if he passes on so much negativity to his son, he is bound to react in a certain way. I told him that he and his wife have to make their son feel that he is the best. This is something that I learnt quite early in my journey with Anshul. I always told myself that Anshul may have challenges, but he will certainly overcome them. To overcome challenges, I obviously needed support from his school, where he spent maximum amount of time apart from home. So, my approach was one of collaboration. Each time I got a call that Anshul had disturbed the class or was blabbering, instead of being angry with the school for not handling it well, I have always asked his teachers for more help to make things better. "I need your help, let's work out ways of ensuring that Anshul doesn't disturb the class and his classmates begin to relate to him," is what I have always told his teachers. It has always worked. I have always been careful not to complain or blame them. Anshul's teachers at Billabong High International School (Santacruz) have always helped me immensely.
Back home, me and my husband, along with my friend, Payal (who is a trained special educator), talk to Anshul and tell him about the set of behaviours which are not accepted in school and in class. We reiterate it to him every now and then. I have noticed that each time we have prepared Anshul for a particular situation, he handles it better. Being firm helps, if a consequence of a particular behaviour is properly explained to him, he refrains from indulging in it.
For all those who think that kids in the spectrum are insensitive and don't understand are completely wrong. They want to be accepted just like any other child and if things are put to them in a proper way they understand everything. The moment we begin to look at them through the lens of sympathy and helplessness things go horribly wrong. Anshul, for instance, doesn't like too much attention. He realises that he gets that additional attention only because he is different and that is not acceptable to him. I took him to a friend's house last evening and he was looking forward to playing with his son (I must mention that there very few kids who relate to Anshul and are willing to accept him the way he is). Anshul made it very clear to me that I shouldn't come to check on him again and again and treat me like a kid. I followed his instructions, I was vigilant but not intrusive. It worked. He had a blast with my friend's son, Ishaan. They played on the PS4, went to play in the club and much more.
I have learnt it the hard way not to be overtly protective about him. Each time we would go out for dinner or to the mall, I would be on the edge. I would follow Anshul wherever he went and he would either say something inappropriate to the salesperson at the mall or meddle with something. I used to often find myself saying sorry to strangers. I always assumed that Anshul wouldn't be able to select clothes for himself or buy his own shoes. When I shared this with senior special educator, Medha Lotlikar, she first asked me if I follow my older son at a mall or in a restaurant. More importantly, if I would like it if my husband interfered in whatever I did. When I told her that I would hate it, all that she told me was, "Put yourself in Anshul's shoes and think how he would feel." I now take Anshul to the mall and allow him to browse and buy whatever he wants. He has an impeccably good taste! Today, we will be be going to a mall yet again, this time to buy shoes. I am curious to see what he buys!
In the last few months we have started allowing Anshul to walk to his squash class all by himself. The only instruction given to him is not to talk to strangers and text us after he reaches the club and text us at the time of leaving. Of course, we are apprehensive, but we needed to do this to make him self-sufficient.
Anshul goes for all field trips at school and even on trips outside the city. He shares the room with his classmates. His friends, Yuvraj, Ethen and Jai have always made sure that Anshul stays with them. A heartfelt thank you to the boys.
Life of being a parent of an autistic child isn't easy. But believing that everything will be fine and striding ahead with that conviction always makes life easier.
The response to my first blog has been overwhelming. Nelke van Aspert wrote me to all the way from South Africa after reading my first blog. Nelke is the mother of a 19-year-old autistic boy, and she tells me that nobody ever expected her son to pass Grade X. The boy has surprised everyone by averaging 70%. "Everything is possible. Just believe in it. The autism diagnosis should only be an acknowledgement, not placing a person in a stereotype box."
Keep believing that your child is the smartest and stride ahead!
Ajita Shashidhar
Deputy Editor
Business Today
Email: ajita.shashidhar@intoday.com
Gmail: ajitas02@gmail.com
Twitter: @AjitaShashidhar
Hand phone - 9820201171
Hi Ajita, you brought tears in my eyes. I feel for Milan and for Rohan, as I remember how my husband and I felt many years ago. Full of frustrations, lost, and embarrassment, especially my husband felt guilty. My son (18) has growing into a confident (sometimes over confident) self sufficient young man, of course he has still his issues now and then and can be a loner, but don't we all have certain issues? What is the definition of normal?
ReplyDeleteI believe it's our duty as a parent to look into possibilities what works for each individual child. If someone can't walk we give that persons a tool to walk. So why not with a mental challenge? I believe it's still a taboo, so the more media are spreading awareness the better and the sooner it will be accepted by the society. From young onwards I am a out of the box thinker like yourself, so I use to relax my son by using vibration technology (Power Plate), this daily doses made him relax in mind and body. No more fists for instant, less tight muscles in his body, less frustrations. Also in school during class, I gave him a tool in hand to concentrate on it, (focus better on the teacher) so he could handle the hectic and the other children, also a head phone and time outs, a mood thermometer and certain pictographs. Ajita, we will meet and we will talk, and I like to help to raise awareness for autism in India. Big hugs from a Dutchie in South Africa
Freedom is our birthright and that includes people with autism.
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